A loss of light...

I'm struck today by the death of an acquaintance. A person I knew mostly by reputation and name alone. Such a powerless sense of defeat in my soul. A heart wrenching feeling.

His soul was so bright and my soul feels the passing of his light in a shattering way. It almost makes no sense. I physically knew this person no more than any two people who occasionally share a common space would. Yet I'm still stuck to the core by his death.

A powerful light went out today and the darkness seems to win yet again, but something is different. The light is gone, but within I'm being shown a silver lining. This sorrow, this shattering... it isn't an encroaching darkness rattling my soul, rather it is a resonance of his light as it departs its source for the last time.  Touching and mingling with mine in a seismic way.

Some in this world touch more of us than others, but even when the brightest souls succumb to the darkness, the light continues on. It is persistent in all of us who care to recognize the loss and accept the passing of the torch. The call to press on in the darkness.

Today my soul is brighter for having known his. RIP my fellow. Amen.

Leaving the launch pad...

I'm scared. Shackled by fear. The world around me hardly seems to be of consequence as I ponder so many things about energy and life that I cannot grasp, let alone control. Control, however, is the least of my worries. Today I'm just seeking a sense of feeling grounded. It's hard to come by as everything in life has the shadow of uncertainty around it, but I must press on into the haze. This is, I suppose, a hardship, a complication, of wanting more from my spiritual connection. So how do I cope... will I find serenity as I leave my home?

Ever since I was a kid I knew I wasn't going to remain in my home city/state forever. It was clear to me that I was supposed to travel... discover... give myself to the cause (what is this cause?)... wonder and serve. Call it what you will; an intuition; a gut feeling; or, as I see it, a communication from a greater power, but it has been a powerful burden on my soul for as long as I can remember. A heavy force that pulls on my heart like a gravity well of emotion. It is impactful, and shapes everything I've done in life to date. It pulls on me as if though more must always be done, and it feels more true than anything I've ever tried to comprehend. How do I describe it? Perhaps others have had this feeling before and can relate.... It feels as if though by simply not doing that I'm failing myself... my spirit. This is the burden I feel everyday, and for some time now this burden seems heavier upon my shoulders than ever before. It is a powerful calling to do more. I can't ignore it any loner. The sense failure is too great. So I will answer the call. A traveler I will become.

So I'm moving and it is scary. The general feeling I have is that I won't find another home, which is daunting, but the scarier part is not knowing if I'll ever return. So why leave? Why now? Why make my earthly self bask is such uncertainty? Well... Because I find equal solace and doubt in the thought that I am off to begin a great journey of self. A trek to find answers to lingering questions my soul still has about life. It is my soul's last chance at these answers. I know this. So... Is my call to sacrifice for answers I can't understand? I think it might be.

Faith in something more...

For most of my life it has been clear that I am not all there is. When it comes to the parts, the pieces, every component of my being, the "I" (id, ego, self) is not all that makes me me. Today I am content knowing this, but it wasn't until about two years ago that I had an epiphany of sorts which made this concept easy to accept. Once I opened up, and bothered to feel, I gained a beginners understanding of something I always sensed about this life. The connectedness, energy, spirituality... It has made it clear that I am on a trek toward an integration. The path I walk is the conduit between where I live in this life and where my energy lies. At the destination I sense my soul. That is where I reside. But I am also this body, this mind, these emotions, and this animal that lives amongst you all. It makes me beg the question... why? Why this life, in these shoes, on this path, and for what experience? I believe I know the answer and it is hard to truly grasp, but I try. This life and the experiences I have are the last travels of a very old, wandering, soul.